Me-Stew

 Me-Stew

 

I have nothing to put in my stew, you see,
Not a bone or a bean or a black-eyed pea,
So I'll just climb in the pot to see
If I can make a stew out of me.
I'll put in some pepper and salt and I'll sit
In the bubbling water--I won't scream a bit.
I'll sing while I simmer, I'll smile while I'm stewing,
I'll taste myself often to see how I'm doing.
I'll stir me around with this big wooden spoon
And serve myself up at a quarter to noon.
So bring out your stew bowls,
You gobblers and snackers.
Farewell--and I hope you enjoy me with crackers!

 

 By Shel Silverstein

 

 

 

By SteelAngelIchigo

 

 

 

This is a Δ template for whatever chef class you have, to be added at your leisure. Read more about them here.

 

(Δ) Me-Stew

 

First you will have to be an excellent chef at least on the level that a king would hire you, then you must do some research. Find holy books relating to self sacrifice and martyrdom and ruminate on them for a week and you will know what must be done. Find a person or something that was a person and watch them eat another with utter refinement, take notes on everything they do. Find another such person and watch them eat another with utter savagery, take notes on everything they do. Find one final such person and watch them eat a piece of you, take notes on everything they do. If you lose any of your notes or are convinced that cannibalism is wrong you must start again.

 

This will kill you, you probably guessed that but it will be worth it, it must be worth it.

 

The first step is to wash yourself. Do not use soap (the oil on your skin is delectable). The water should be between room temperature and lukewarm, hot water will dry you out and cold water will ruin the texture. 

The second step is to get into the cauldron, it must be big enough that if you sit cross legged you will be fully submerged. Fill it with clear water and light a fire underneath it, an assistant will be useful here as from now on you cannot leave the cauldron without ruining the meal.

 

The third step requires a pantry worth of ingredients of the highest quality, this will cost the equivalent of a full suit of plate armor. Prepare the ingredients and toss them in beside you. At this point the water will be boiling but you will not scream, you are too engrossed in your work. Taste yourself too, adjust the spices and be careful not to over salt yourself. This will take 8 hours before you completely boil away, there won't even be bones to fish out. 

 

The fourth step is to serve it of course, the effect of the meal depends on how it is shared. 

• If shared among a community the soup will seem to be never ending, feeding everyone for months. Everyone will love the party of course but the cooking of the community will also change, chefs and cooks will unconsciously start to make the meals that you made or invented, within a few years your works will be widespread. One person from this community will join the party, starting with 1 level in chef and 1 level in another class of the dead chef's player's choice which they can play as.
• If shared among the party the soup will feed everyone for a week, though with such a full stomach you wont be able or willing to do much else for that week. When the party finally finishes the meal they all feel incredible, roll 4d6 drop the lowest for each of your stats in order, if you got higher than the existing stat its value is now the value you rolled, if you got equal to or lower it still goes up by 1. The lifespan of all who consumed it is doubled and they become immune to all mundane diseases.
• If eaten by a single person the soup will last a month but if you don't eat it for every meal (not that hard, it is quite delicious) or let anyone else eat even a drop you lose all benefit from it. After finishing the soup the knowledge of the chef is passed on to you, in only a week you will be as good a chef as your predecessor and you will know what must be done to make Me-Stew (you may use your predecessor's notes). The voice of your predecessor will linger within your mind and you can summon their ghost to act as an assistant when cooking. If you cook yourself into Me-Stew and only a single person eats the soup again both you and your predecessor will be within them, this can be stacked any number of times.